Yolliezel Monticalbo Jorda a.k.a Shine

Where do I begin? Hmm…

My birthday is on May 17th but I’m comfortable telling people that it’s February 14th. Baket?? Well, I just don’t like receiving birthday greetings from irrelevant people on my special day. I hate it when a lot of people know my birthday tapos kalilimutan lang din naman.

I hate explaining myself. People will only hear what they want to hear so why bother, right? Kaya hinahayaan ko na lang silang mag-isip ng kung anong gusto nilang isipin tungkol sa akin. I just don’t let it get through me. I believe that people begin to create an image of us based on how we treat and made them feel or by which face or character we’d like them to see. And it only matters with our consent. But oh well it takes rare and extra special people to come into our lives and try to know what and who we really are.. and we’re goddamn willing to let them in.

I’m truly difficult to handle. You can call me weird and unpredictable—that’s how my close friends describe me. There’re times when I just want to stay silent and distance myself from other people; and there’re times when I’m so active. People misunderstand my silence, like always. They love to think I’m in a bad mood whenever I’m quiet. When the truth is, I shut my mouth because I don’t know what to say and there’s REALLY nothing to say. I mean, I don’t speak nonsense. There’s a thin line between ‘not in the mood’ and being ~in a bad mood.~

I’m a pessimistic-optimist woman. Although most of the time I feel like my world is goin’ to crash all at once at any moment, I still hold the same faith I had yesterday… and it doesn’t stop. It goes on and on every single day. For I believe that giving up won’t solve anything.

Love is love—plain and simple, the greatest thing in life. I truly believe love is not complicated, but people are. It’s not love we should be afraid of, it’s our fear. Our fears pull us back whenever we want to do great things in life.

My favorite quote from Max Lucado: “Love like there’s no tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes, love again.”

I think that’s it. Whoever you are, welcome to my blog. Here lies the words my mouth can’t utter. Here lies the thoughts/ideas only my mind can speak. If you want to figure me out, visit often. 😉

I stop walking whenever there’s a troop of dogs that barks at me somewhere. Ayokong tumakbo kasi nakakatamad at mangangamoy pawis ako haha! So long as they don’t attack, we’re good. I also learned that you should not make eye-to-eye contact with aggressive or frightened dogs because this is a sign of “dominance” for them so they will react either by submitting or resisting. Being the unbothered woman I am, I just look the other way until they stop. And they do stop and that’s my cue to silently walk away.

Only prey runs. Makes sense. I’m not their prey and I won’t do anything bad to them. I profoundly acknowledge how territorial dogs are.

I think people must start to learn the art of appreciation. Appreciate what we have. Appreciate our work even if it makes us feel awful at times. Appreciate our workmates even if we don’t get along well with them most of the time. Appreciate our friends who still see us as their friends in the days when we don’t want to be anybody’s friend. Appreciate our siblings who we always argue with. Appreciate our parents even if we don’t understand them most of the time. Appreciate our salary; others don’t get paid well. Appreciate people in our lives who share things they think are beautiful. Those who let us read their favorite quote, or suggest movies or songs they find amazing. Let’s not ruin their happiness. Perhaps it’s not their intention to hurt, insult or show off. Maybe they’re just too happy to share it and you’re the one who first crossed their mind. It’s we who hurt them when we don’t appreciate their efforts because we think the other way around. Appreciate.

Has it ever occurred to you that the days go by so fast but you have done very little? You seem to be chasing after the number of things you ought to do though you have the opportunity to do them every day. You do it over and over again and nothing new happens. Every time you reminisce you realize that so much has changed although you’re not doing anything special.

I feel like I have a lot to do and take care of but I don’t know where and how to start. I don’t know if I’m just lazy or just really demotivated. I don’t even know what I really want. It’s like I’m just living every day to survive, not to enjoy my life. I often think it’s boring. I do the same thing throughout the day, every day. Nothing new and I’m getting tired of it. Worrying, sulking, looking at the ceiling, thinking about what will happen in the future, thinking about the negative things being said against me, and much more. Endless waste of hours and days in distress and exasperation. Even if I want to enjoy, like, gumala ganon, I can’t do it because of this hot pandesal. I couldn’t go to the places I used to visit without wearing a mask or not fretting about I might get infected and/or infect others. Sobrang nakaka-paranoid. Feels like I’m free though I’m not really. This hot pandesal doesn’t free me from fear, anxiety, and life struggles. Well dati pa naman… dumoble lang talaga ngayon lol. I’m fed up with feeling apathetic and gloomy. I’m always at home. My life is very monotonous. There are days when I feel like nothing happens with everything I do. I feel like I’m just stuck here.

I find and create ways for me to have fun and enjoy each day and to somehow feel like I’m moving forward *metaphorically speaking.* Jusko nakakapagod! Kasi ba naman, pati paraan para mag-enjoy pag-iisipan ko pa, e kung tutuusin dapat nae-enjoy ko naman talaga ang bawat araw may plano man o wala. di ba. I’m eager to avoid the thinking that I might end up jobless and miserable. It’s hard to pretend to be cool with what’s happening even when the truth is when I’m in bed and falling asleep, various thoughts enter my mind one by one. “Hala… baka hanggang ganito na lang ako… baka hanggang dito na lang ako… Anong gagawin ko sa buhay ko?” I don’t know what the future holds for me and I’m afraid to grow old without achieving anything. I get scared and worried all over again. Then I close my eyes.

cuumwiches:

If it excites you and scares you at the same time, it might be a good thing to try.

Hello! How’s life going? I think I’m in better shape now than I was in previous months. Last night Darcy and I talked about some stuff about life. I told him the things that have been bugging me. Anxiety was attacking me again. I cried because I was overwhelmed by what was happening to me. Lots of negative thoughts in my mind. Too much all I could do was cry. Until now I still fight what the demons are whispering in my head. If it weren’t for Darcy, I would probably have been consumed by depression.

I have many regrets. I trusted and loved the wrong people too much. I considered them like a real family but in the end, they just betrayed me. It was painful and hard to accept that I trusted those people so much. I have a lot of what ifs in my mind. What if we just never became friends? What if I didn’t trust them? What if I just ignored their call for help? I feel like a total fool now. I’m so stupid. I want to grab them by the hair, slap them, scold them… but I know it’s wrong and I have no right. They didn’t ask for it, did they? I helped them voluntarily. Bwiset talaga. I can’t show how I truly feel and I have to keep my cool even though deep inside I want to explode. I want to shout. I want to vent my anger. I want to cry incessantly. I want to get away from this place. Every time I see them or even hear their voices, I get very annoyed because it reminds me of my foolishness. How I wish I saw their true colors a little too early. If only there was a time machine, I would go back to the time we met. I would definitely avoid them. I would avoid them as far as I could cos they’re nothing but fake. They just used me. I should’ve known from the beginning.

Whenever I felt like I was being eaten away by negative thoughts, I had no one else to lean on but Darcy. He was always the only person who told me the truth even though he knew how grumpy I am. I’m so thankful that he’s there to listen and be my support during difficult times. I don’t feel alone because I found a friend in him. It just feels so nice knowing that there’s someone who understands, stays, and loves me even if I’m not always kind and loveable. I’m thankful because even though he’s getting tired of my repeated rants and dramas, he’s still there for me. He’s still there to make me aware of the things that I find perplexing to see from another perspective. Last night I was crying but when I finished listening to what he said I felt great. I instantly thought, “This man has no other wish for me but my welfare.” And for that I’m always and forever be thankful. Even if we don’t end up together, I hope we can still be friends. I hope we’ll be there for each other forever.

You’ve Got A Friend – James Taylor

When you’re down and troubled and you need a helping hand
And nothing, whoa, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me and soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights

You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am
I’ll come running, oh yeah baby, to see you again
Winter, spring, summer, or fall
All you got to do is call and I’ll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah
You’ve got a friend

If the sky above you should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud now
Soon I’ll be knocking upon your door

You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am
I’ll come running, oh yes I will, to see you again
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, yeah
All you got to do is call and I’ll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah
Hey, ain’t it good to know that you’ve got a friend?

People can be so cold
They’ll hurt you and desert you
Well, they’ll take your soul if you let them
Oh yeah, but don’t you let them

You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am
I’ll come running to see you again
Oh baby, don’t you know about
Winter, spring, summer, or fall

Hey now, all you’ve got to do is call, Lord, I’ll be there, yes I will.
You’ve got a friend. You’ve got a friend, yeah
Ain’t it good to know you’ve got a friend
Ain’t it good to know you’ve got a friend
Oh, yeah, yeah, you’ve got a friend